F-Book

My wife just became friends on Facebook with my ex-girlfriend. When she told me it was more like a question. So Beth Johnson just asked me to be friends on Facebook.? You know the statement that ends high pitched, the last word bends turning it into a question. I played it off cool enough but inside I was like Holy Hell. There’s always one of your buddies wives that remains friends with your ex’s. Accessing the friends of friends friends and all that atom splitting connections that is F-book. Come on ladies you know the rules, you married in. Guy rule #368 states: Your allegiance has to be with your husbands friends, unless you had a prior existing relationship with the female whose been dumped. Anyway, the wife and the ex, brought magically together by the power of the internet. Fucking Al Gore. This is how it’s gonna go, first they’ll scour each others pictures and then it’ll be “hey so happy for you guys or your children are so cute.” And then the cracks will start to show and curiosity will prevail and the next thing I know we’ll get into it on a Sunday afternoon and have a little spat about something trivial and I’ll get hit with, “Why don’t you just call me the Fat-girl behind my back the the whole time we were dating.”

playlists

I bought a refurbished Ipod off of Ebay but the dude didn't erase his music, Here are some of the titles on his playlist:

Gonna be on the shitter all day mix

That was a fake profile picture (The might as well mix)

Denim up, Denim down (Canadian Tuxedo)

Zerox your boobs! mix

Bang-able dudes

But her face (The two bags in case one falls off mix)

Driving like a douche bag

I think she gave me an STD ( Valtrex Mix)

Heavy Petting (third date mix)

Yellow pits next to you on an airplane (smells like cabbage mix)

I got em from a toilet seat is bullshit! (the get out of my house mix)

Could you slide forward a little? (The average wang mix)

Two Sevens

The older we get, the less time we have for things. I don’t know how America watches a four hour anything, in person or on television, either way it’s too much. I mean four hours each for Football, Golf, Nascar you name it, seems like everything is watered down, lets get on with it already. Football should be like Hockey, three periods. Hockey should be like Basketball, two half's, Baseball should be 7 innings just like high school. It would be awesome, you wouldn’t half to suffer through the most boring part of the game, middle relief. Pro Basketball should be like College basketball and add five minutes a half and make it two 25’s. The stars you payed 100 bucks to see would be in the game longer. You also could eliminate like 7000 tattoos, the guys at the far end of the bench look like walking classified adds. You notice the worse the NBA player (with some small exceptions) the more the tattoos. Anyway Golf should be 14 holes, two sevens. I mean they hardly televise the first 9 holes anyway. I’d play more golf if it didn’t take up the better part of the weekend. I rarely watch Nascar but maybe I would if it was a hybrid round robin contest. Five guys at a time rip around the track from stop like a track meet, a couple times. Winner moves on until there’s a champion. I’d watch that. Soccer, I coached varsity soccer for years and it was nails on a chalk board annoyingly long. I say move the field in about a third and add another ball. Tennis sets could be shortened, it shouldn’t be an endurance contest, I want the shot maker to win not the sadist iron man. The tour De France is cool but lets face it, nobody in this country knows what the hell is going on, I wish somebody could fill me on how it works, it’s like a secret, time trials and points and different colored jersey’s, why is it so complicated? I say as soon as the first guy crosses the finish line, everybody else has to stop and make an x on the road and everybody starts from their x’s on the next day. That race is almost a month long, people get married and divorced in that amount of time around here. Oh yeah and Christmas should be in late February.

Lysol should market an air freshener for the bathroom called: Deuce Juice

Get me a AHHHH

Don’t you just want to slap the guy in front of you in line that demands an order rather than ordering politely. You’ve seen it, the bald chubby all over man throwing his, “customer is always right” bullshit empowerment on the coffee girl in the morning. Get me a ahhhhh a Large Coffee. Like he’s ordering her around, getting off on it, I keep waiting for the follow up “Bitch”, but it never comes, I mean why go half way you fucking goblin. And by the way, nobody thinks it’s cool to see you half scratch on your itchy asshole. I felt like nudging him and holding out my keys saying, “Here’s a car key, in case you want to operate on that dried up skidder you so hastily left behind on the last sit down”. The funny thing is that I know for a fact that that chunky bastard would have definitely played nice if the person behind the counter was Moby the 6 foot 17 inch Jamaican illegal. He’d be all full of white guy guilty nervousness. “Yes I’d like a large coffee please, I like your sock frisbee hat.”